It’s Like 10,000 Spoons, When All You Need is a Knife…Written by: Slim
99 PROBLEMS AND A FELONY AIN’T ONE!
NFL All Thuggish Ruggish Team:
QB – Mike Vick
Everyone knows the story: Vick was implicated in an illegal interstate dog fighting ring that had operated over five years. Vick pleaded guilty to federal felony charges and served 21 months in prison. The funny part was listening to Clinton Portis and Chris Samuels so eloquently defend Vick: “I am sure some Police, judges, politicians, presidents have dogs, they probably fight them too.” Thanks guys. Should have probably kept that to yourselves.
VIDEO OF PORTIS AND SAMUELS
QB – Ryan Leaf
Honorable Mention…Proud Washington State Alumni was indicted on burglary and controlled substances charges…Not only is he the biggest football bust of all time, but now he abuses drugs more than a teenage actor. There has been many reports of Leaf going back to Wazzu to sit on the popular college hangout, the “hill”, trying to pick up chicks and relive the rose bowl years. I think I speak for everyone when saying, what a d-bag.
RB – Jamal Lewis
Good ol’ Jamal Lewis set up a cocaine deal when he was in college serving 4 months in jail…Nice man. He also f’d my fantasy team at least three times. Not only is he the king of setting up deals with ol’ Bernie’s Gold Dust, but also king of 1st and goal stuffs…Jamal Lewis, there I said it, hopefully the last time I ever hear that name.
RB – Marshawn Lynch
Hit and run, possession of a firearm, accused of sexual assault and the infamous ghost ride the whip incident after the Cal vs. UW game in 2007. Enjoy:
Video of M. Lynch on the cart.
FB – Najeh Davenport
So here is a little multiple choice test for you:
In college when you get mad at your girlfriend, you proceed to do the following…
A) Hook up with her best friend
B) Go to Vegas with your bros
C) Draw a bath and look through old pictures of you and her.
D) Drop a deuce in her laundry basket.
Well Najeh chose letter D in the list and broke into her room and was charged with defecating into a laundry basket in her closet. C’MON MAN!
WR – Plaxico Burress
Plax messed up on two levels…He walked into a NYC club with a loaded gun in his pants and accidently shot himself, not smart. Next, Plax lied to the hospital, police and just about everyone involved trying to cover his behind. Now he is serving 2 years in prison and gets a nod for the starting WR on our thuggish ruggish team.
WR – Donte Stallworth
D. Stallworth did the correct thing by not driving drunk after a long night at the clubs. I applaud you for that…the one problem is that you woke up and were still drunk, driving your Bentley into and killing a pedestrian and thus getting charged with manslaughter. D. Stall, Have anotha!!!!!
WR – Matt Jones
What does cocaine, a car in an Arkansas parking lot, and Matt Jones and crew have in common? They all collided in July 2008 to get Matt on this team and charged with a felony of possession of a controlled substance. Nice work Matt, have a shi*tier career, seriously TRY too.
WR – Rae Carruth
In 1999, Rae was found guilty in the conspiracy to murder his girlfriend and unborn child. He is now serving a 18 year 11 month sentence. No funny comments here, Rae Carruth is one of the worst dudes ever.
TE – Mark Chmura
Marky, Marky, Mark, arrested after attending a post-prom party and sexually assaulting a 17-year old girl. Let me inform the readers here that Mark was 31 at the time, which makes him creepy to very creepy and a criminal.
TE – Jeremy Shockey
J. Shock has not really had any trouble with the law, but my friends and I did see him get carted off in a stretcher at a Vegas pool party…TRUE STORY. Just wanted to mention that…Some guys just can’t hang…
OL – Nate Newton
Nate Newton was caught hauling over 217lbs of Marijuana in a sleazy white van. I don’t smoke the hippy lettuce, but I assume that is a lot…217 POUNDS! Nate, what are you thinking? The answer you might ask? He was thinking of getting a spot on our “Thuggish Ruggish” Team. GOT IT! When reached for a quote, Newton said, “I’ve always been competitive… I couldn’t see myself not being the biggest dope man.” Ladies and Gentleman, a true competitor, Nate the great!
OL – Barret Robbins
Robbins story is probably the most bizarre of the group…The week before the Raiders were going to play in the 2003 Super Bowl, Robbins went missing and ended up in the hospital before the game. He had gone on a drinking binge in Tijuana and ended up in a psychiatric ward under suicide watch on Super Bowl Sunday as a result of depression and bipolar disorder. To add to the madness, in 2005, he was shot twice by police officers after a confrontation and was charged with attempted murder.
DE – Shawn Merriman
Shawn “Lights Out” Merriman apparently choked and assaulted his then girlfriend Tila Tequila…I think this is a fair fight:
SM: 6’4’’ 265lbs MONSTER
TT: 5’0’’ 98 lbs TEENER
Merriman claimed he didn’t even touch her and that she was wasted and he was simply making sure she didn’t leave the house and hurt herself…Tequila said she doesn’t even drink and that she was actually allergic to booze…(Maybe don’t change your last name to “Tequila” if you don’t drink). Winner Shawn…
DE – Frostee Rucker
Frostee started early in his life and never really stopped being “not that great of a dude”…at 13 he sexually assaulted an 11 year old girl, sexually assaulted another girl at Colorado State, exposed himself to another girl at CSU and then beat down his girlfriend at USC. And with the 91st pick in the 2006 draft, the Cincinnati Bengal select, Frostee Rucker, nice guys, taking a real stand.
DT – Jerome Brown
I want to start out by saying Jerome Brown never had any trouble with the law. He gets a place on the team because of one truly crazy, intimidating and unbelievable incident. Let’s set this up for you…Jerome has been called the most feared man in college football history playing for the Miami Hurricanes, graduating in 1987. Before the 1987 Fiesta Bowl against Penn State, both teams were having dinner in the same dining hall. Unhappy with this situation, Jerome proceeded to stand up and unzip his sweat suit to reveal an army fatigue. He then yelled to the Penn State players: “Did the Japanese sit down and eat with Pearl Harbor before they bombed them?” he said. “No. We’re outta here.” The entire Hurricane team got up and left. I am happy just thinking about that…SEND IT IN JEROME!
DT – Tank Johnson
Did you expect a guy named “Tank” to not be on this team? Rap sheet includes assault, resisting arrest and possession of firearms (6 guns in all including two assault rifles). Why does a guy 6’3 and 305 lbs need a gun you might ask? Well, hailing from Gary, Indiana, which is always top ten in most dangerous cities in America might explain it.
LB – Ray Lewis
Ray-Ray was initially charged with murder, felony murder and aggravated assault in the deaths of two men the night of the Super Bowl in Atlanta. He eventually pleaded guilty to obstruction of justice and paid a $250,000 NFL fine. He has gone on to become one of the most dominating defensive players of all time and a really big name in the philanthropic world. Ray, good stuff my man.
LB – Lawrence Taylor
How would you feel if you were a running back going against not only the strongest, fastest and most terrifying defensive player of all time, but a guy also playing on cocaine. Well, if you were playing in the 1980’s, that is how you felt every time you played the New York Giants. As our good friend Rick James once said, “Cocaine is a hell of a drug” as LT finished his career top ten in all time sacks.
S – Eugene Robinson
Most people like to get a good night sleep before a Super Bowl, the biggest game of one’s life and career. Not Eug Robinson. He went to the notoriously famous Biscayne boulevard in Miami to what I like to call “pro hunt”. And pro hunt he did, picking up an undercover cop and forever crushing his gentleman status. Eugene, a word of advice, just wait 24 hours after the super bowl and have a ball…I mean hook up with a farm animal, who cares, just not the night of the super bowl.
DB – PacMan Jones
PacMan, PacMan PacMan…A solid citizen:
2005- charged with assault and vandalism
2006 –arrested with disorderly conduct and public intoxication
2006-Obstruction of justice
2007- Las Vegas strip club shooting, where after Pac “made it rain” with around 80k, tried to get the money back and a brawl broke out. A man in PacMan’s entourage shot a security guard and Pac was eventually charged with disorderly conduct.
PAC, GET IT TOGETHER BROTHER…
DB – Fred Smoot
Two words, one phenomenal time: “Love Boat”…Smoot was the point man in the most famous team get together of all time. In the waters of Lake Minnetonka, Smoot and 16 of his Viking teammates were arrested for hiring prostitutes (also known as “pros”) to have an alleged “sex party”. What happened to nice clean fun at team parties at pizza places. Smoot has revolutionized Team parties forever! Is there now a market for t-ball parties at the local gentleman’s club, I think so…
K – Sebastian Janikowski
Not much action going on with kickers in the NFL…I have heard rumors that Sebastian drinks on the regular and once finished an entire half gallon of vodka at Florida State. So although not a crime, an act that impresses even the biggest of fraternity members. If this story is not true and Sebastian is actually a non-drinker, my fault SEB, I’ll get you a diet coke at a bar if I see you.