I’m a Genie in a Bottle, You Got to Rub Me the Right Way…
Written by: Slim

Is the Juice Worth the Squeeze? OH YEAH!
Why Steroids need to be back in baseball…

The bats are powerless, the pitches are lifeless, the games are a yawn and the scores are dull…yep, just another spring day in the life of the current Major Leagues. Major League Baseball needs to allow steroids back in baseball, period! Before you fall off your chair and get your fruit of the looms all in a bunch I am simply going to state facts…And facts are like cash, and everyone likes cash.

Raise your hand if you are bored with league leading 43 home runs and 118 RBI’s, with pitchers throwing 5 innings of 92 mph ball (I’m starring right at you Erik Bedard). Cough twice if you would rather play a game of tether ball than watch another monotonous 3-2 game, which includes 3 sacrifice bunts and hit-and-run small ball for dayyyyss.
I miss the steroid era of baseball, there I said it! This glorious era, in which players looked like they were chiseled from rock and hit 600 ft home runs was the most exciting time in Major League history. The steroid era brought clarity, the steroid era brought fathers together with sons, this era was simply one word…perfect.

This perfection was destroyed in one 409 page report (F You Senator Mitchell) where it all came crashing down. Steroids were abolished, players shrank, head sizes returned to normalcy…thus bringing us to present day, where games are as lame as the contestants on Jeopardy:

Alex Trebek: “Let’s meet Daniel Gregg from Boston…it says here you fly kites in your free time.”
Contestant Gregg: “Yes, I just love those kites…I am a lose bag.”
Alex Trebek: “Yes, you are a lose bag.”
Me (to myself watching Jeopardy): “Lose bag…”


People have forgotten the joy and happiness the steroid era of Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and crew brought the fans. Attendance was up, TV ratings were on the rise and baseball was all over the news. Between the years of 1993-2006, steroids were being passed around the league like that one sophomore ZTA (You know who you are…call me). The players were juiced out of their minds looking like the cast of the movie “300”. In those days, if you weren’t hitting 50 home runs a year, you were serving a bloomin’ onion at a local Outback Steakhouse.
Let me drop some names and statistics on you concerning some players with 50 home runs during the steroid era:
Brady Anderson, 50 in 1996 (career 210)
Greg Vaughn, 50 in 1998
Luis Gonzalez, 57, in 2001

Brady Anderson?!? I mean, yes he looks like Dillon (Luke Perry) from Beverly Hills 90210, but he was a lead off hitter for crying out loud!
Anderson’s HR stats from 1993-1998. I will give you a ZJ if you tell me which year he experimented with steroids…and if you don’t know what a ZJ is, you can’t afford it.
1993 – 13 HRs
1994 – 12 HRs
1995 – 16 HRs
1996 – 50 HRs
1997 – 18 HRs
1998 – 18 HRs

Let us not forget about the crazy stats of Brett Boone and Jason Giambi, to Albert Belle and Ken Camaniti (May he rest in peace). Any similarities between these players? Anyone, anyone, Bueller, Bueller? All on the Juice…and I’m not talking about that purple drink.

Do you want some more statistics…ummmm, okay. Before 1997 two players have ever hit 60 HRs. Between 1997-2001, this was achieved 6 times with Bonds (once), McGwire (twice) and Sosa (Thrice)…and Bonds was 73 dingers…73!!!! Now a days, we are lucky to get a player hitting 45 home runs. Bonds had 45 by July!
Feast on these:
Sosa’s HR and RBI stats for 4 straight years:
1998: 66 HR 158 RBIs
1999: 63 HR 141 RBIs
2000: 50 HR 138 RBIs
2001: 64 HR 160 RBIs
OH MY GOD…

If you add up my best seasons on Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball SNES (Super Nintendo Entertainment System) using the king of the game himself, Junior Griffey, I would have to play every day (Including the weekends) for 6 years to obtain those stats. That would really kill my social life and if my mom truly wants grandchildren, I need to be out on the town doing my thing…


This article is a calling of arms…to Victor Conte, to the needle, the cream, PEDs, HGH, Andro, Creatine, A-Rods Cousin who injected him with the juice, even the 1993 Philadelphia Phillies (Yeah I am talking about you, Lenny Dykstra, Darren Daulton, John Kruk, and Mitch “the wild Thing” Williams.) I want everything back! Bringing back the steroid era brings back the excitement, the stats, the joy of long home runs and 100 mph+ pitching. Father and son can now embrace to back-to-back moonshots opposed to an awkward high five for a seeing-eye-single.
Do you really need convincing? I mean baseball without steroids is like movies without Spielberg and Tarentino or Denzel and Hanks. We were given this period of time where any feat was possible…would a guy hit .450? Hit 100 HRs? Would a pitcher strike out 400 in a season?
I just pray the commissioner of baseball, one day, has a mass announcement with only four words for the MLB:
THE JUICE IS LOOSE!

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About the author

Slim had written 144 articles for Slim With The Tilted Brim