It Don’t Matter Who You Is Miss, You Can Get The Business…
Written by: Slim



1 St. Louis Rams Sam Bradford QB – Oklahoma

I mean do you want A.J. Feeley under center? I think not. One of my draft day rules of thumbs is when a 1/16th Cherokee Indian QB is on the board, take him.

2 Detroit Lions Ndamukong Suh DT – Nebraska

Detroit has been turning a new leaf lately with Calvin Johnson and Matthew Stafford after missing badly with Ernie Sims, Mike Williams and Charles Rogers. Who are we kidding, if Matt Millen was still the Lion’s General Manager, they would select WR Dez Bryant. Got to love those specialty players…Ndamukong “House of Spears” Suh is too good and dominate to pass up.

3 Tampa Bay Bucs Gerald McCoy DT – Oklahoma

Gerald is big, fast, and mean…any questions? Warren Sapp clone.

4 Washington Redskins Trent Williams OT – Oklahoma

The Skins’ need to protect Donovan McNabb and owner Daniel Snyder loves speed and flash. Trent Williams, at 6 feet 5 inches and 315 lbs, who runs a 4.88 second forty time, is exactly that. Also, Trent hails from Longview, Texas…home of Hollywood hunk Matthew McConaughey, so he has that going for him.

5 Kansas City Chiefs Russell Okung OT – Oklahoma State

Thought about Eric Berry here at #5 but when the Chiefs were good, they had an unreal offensive line…Now only if they could get Christian Okoye to get back on the field. Okung is going to be a pro-bowler for years to come and is the most polished tackle in the draft…think hybrid between Jake Long and Joe Thomas, which is a good thing.

Long live the “The Nigerian Nightmare”…so good in Tecmo Super Bowl.

6 Seattle Seahawks Eric Berry S – Tennessee

Falling on hard times the last few years, the Seahawks have needs EVERYWHERE (except LB). The best way to rebuild is to constantly select the best player, no matter what position he is. If we were drafting on football skills, Eric Berry would be the #1 pick…that is how good this guy is. Think Ed Reed from the Ravens but faster and not as much facial hair.

7 Cleveland Browns Dez Bryant WR – Oklahoma State

The Cleveland Browns select a physically gifted, fast, and decorated WR with attitude issues….no I am not talking about Braylon Edwards, I’m talking about Dez Bryant. They can’t miss again on the WR position can they…CAN THEY? One good thing about good ol’ Dez is that he participated in his school’s ENTIRE Pro Day shirts optional. And if we know one thing we know this, Slimwiththetiltedbrim is a huge proponent of shirts optional.

8 Oakland Raiders Big Ivan Brother TE – West Eastern State

In classic Al Davis fashion, he shocks the world with an out of the ordinary pick. The Raiders will select one half of the Ivan Brother’s from the West Eastern State basketball team. Davis thinks with the height, speed a
nd coordination, Big Ivan can become a dominate Tight End. All I got to say is: Hey, Al Davis…HAVE ANOTHER!

9 Buffalo Bills Bryan Bulaga OT – Iowa

Another yawn pick from the Buffalo Bills…can we give the city of Buffalo to Canada already or what?!

Out of all of the OT’s in the draft, Bulaga looks like the biggest stiff and could be the next Robert Gallery…we shall see.

10 Jacksonville Jaguars Dan Williams DT – Tennessee

Jacksonville needs to get back to the days of the dominant interior line of John Henderson and Marcus Stroud. SEC big boy Dan Williams is just that, dominant for daysss.

11 Denver Broncos Earl Thomas S – Texas

First and foremost…I love the name “Earl”, really rolls off the tongue. Next, Denver fans have been yearning for a safety in the “Steve Atwater” mold since the late 90’s. Well, Bronco fans, how fast can you start chanting “Earl, Earl, Earllllll”.

12 Miami Dolphins Derrick Morgan DE – Georgia Tech

Gave Jason Taylor away for nothing: Not a solid move.

Paying troubled WR Brandon Marshall a billion dollars: Suspect move.

Dan Marino in Ace Ventura, Pet Detective: Kind of cool but a little awkward move.

Drafting uber-athlete Derrick Morgan: Great move.

Finkel is Einhorn…Einhorn is Finkel?!?! Your gun is sticking into my hip…

13 San Francisco 49ers Jimmy Clausen QB – Notre Dame

The pedigree is legendary…Steve Beuerlein, Rick Mirer, Ron Powlus, Carlyle Holiday, and most recently my main man Brady Quinn. OH SH*T, all those guys are poor to piss poor. Clausen is different though, he has been the best QB since he was 7 years old…and oh yeah, Notre Dame had that Joe Montana guy too.

14 Seattle Seahawks C.J. Spiller RB – Clemson

Seahawks need a game breaker…C.J. Spiller is just that. Spiller is a blur on the football field seen by his a 10.22 in the 100 meters during track season. C.J. is going to need that speed to run around defenders after the Seahawks fail to address their glaring need at offensive line…Seattle is a soccer city now anyhow right? Go Sounders!

15 New York Giants Joe Haden CB – Florida

Perfect cornerback to play opposite of Corey Webster and a great athlete who played QB in high school. Also, has a name that kind of sounds like the Vice President of the United States, which is cool.

16 Tennessee Titans Demaryius Thomas WR – Georgia Tech

Absolute beast at 6-3 230lbs with 4.4 speed. Wasn’t there another Yellow Jacket with those stats? And no, I am not talking about Travis Best…Is Calvin Johnson 2.0 something you might be interested in?

17 San Francisco 49ers Anthony Davis OT – Rutgers

As Sandra Bullock showed the world, we need to protect the blind side for our quarterbacks. With Jimmy Clausen going to the Niners at pick #13, Big Anthony Davis would be a perfect fit.

Sandra, if you are reading this…I would never do you like your man Jesse James did. Get out girrrl.

18 Pittsburgh Steelers Rolando McClain ILB – Alabama

Rich tradition in linebackers shall continue with McClain. Also, James Harrison and James Farrior aren’t getting any younger. Rolando, Rolando, Rolando…another roll of the tongue one…ROLANDO.

19 Atlanta Falcons Jason Pierre-Paul DE – South Florida

Since they missed on Jamaal Anderson in 2007, they need to draft JPP. And although I don’t usually like players with three names, I think Jason Pierre-Paul is going to do big things in Hot-lanta.

Shit*y three named NFL players:

-Benjarvis Green-Ellis

-Billy Joe Hobert (Sorry Husky Fans)

-Ryan David Leaf (Had to throw in a middle name because he was that bad)

20 Houston Texans Kyle Wilson CB – Boise State

Need to fill the void for Dunta Robinson and Kyle Wilson can seriously play and went to the same HS as pick #17, Anthony Davis. Love that blue turf at Boise State.

21 Cincinnati Bengals Jermaine Gresham TE – Oklahoma

Carson Palmer needs more weapons other than Chad 85. Gresham has the potential to be great and the Bengals need a TE since Chase Coffman is a re-Tard, (check out HBO’s hard knocks 2009).

22 New England Patriots Kareem Jackson CB – Alabama

Just a methodical pick by the hooded sweatshirt wizard himself, Bill Belichick. Great player from a great program…probably going to make everyone ask, “why didn’t we pick Kareem in the top ten.”

23 Green Bay Packers Maurkice Pouncey C – Florida

Great value pick here because Maurkice is rated higher than #23…Also, going to be on my “name of the day” very soon.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Pouncey,

Maurkice, really? Can I get a James or a Vernon at the least?

24 Philadelphia Eagles Sergio Kindle OLB – Texas

Absolutely flies around the field. The Eagles are going to need to shut out teams after Donovan and B. Westbrook said sayonora!

25 Baltimore Ravens Golden Tate WR – Notre Dame

Golden Tate is going to be a star in the NFL…I think he is the best WR in the draft and I am excited to see him help out the Raven offense. Golden meet Mr. Flacco…boys don’t let me down.

26 Arizona Cardinals Brandon Graham OLB – Michigan

Too good to pass up here as Brandon Graham is the top OLB on many draft boards and at #26…a steal!

Also, and opposite of my three named rule…people with two first names are usually good at their craft. There was this girl I dated in college named Jenny Glenn, and she was great at her craft…wow. I will save that story for another time.

27 Dallas Cowboys Mike Iupati OG – Idaho

Boring but good pick…keep Tony Romo healthy and the holes large for Felix Jones and Marian the Barbarian.

28 San Diego Chargers Ryan Mathews RB – Fresno State

The ying to Darren Sproles yang…the snake to his mongoose…the thunder to his lightning. You catch my drift? Ryan Mathews is a big bruising back which is a perfect complement to jitterbug D. Sproles.

29 New York Jets Carlos Dunlap DE – Florida

Carlos Dunlap is the classic case of having all the talent in the world be over shadowed by his off the field issues. If anyone can handle a player like that, it’s Jet’s coach Rex Ryan. And who are we kidding, who wouldn’t want to see C. Dunlap f’ing up on HBO’s new season of Hard Knocks.

No, I am not getting any money for promoting that show, but I feel like I should.

30 Minnesota Vikings Everson Griffen DE – USC

Learn from Jared Allen young fella, but please sacks and tackles only. No Canadian Tuxedo or mullet, just football advice.

31 Indianapolis Colts Taylor Mays S – USC

Taylor Mays has promised the Colts he will strap often injured safety Bob Sanders onto his back and play with bob directing traffic. That will utilize the out of world physical attributes of Mays and the instincts of Sanders.

If you cannot imagine it, think a jockey riding the thoroughbred “Secretariat”…

Still can’t? Think scene number two in “The Devil Wears Nada”…Think about it.

32 New Orleans Saints Jerry Hughes OLB – TCU

No relation to Howard Hughes, in case you were wondering. Jerry could either play LB or DE in that hybrid/Sean Merriman role. Who doesn’t love a horn frog?

That is it…hope you all enjoyed the first ever slimwiththetiltedbrim Mock Draft.

And Jenny Glenn, MySpace me.

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About the author

Slim had written 144 articles for Slim With The Tilted Brim