My Chick Bad, My Chick Hood, My Chick Do Stuff Yo’ Chick Wish She Could…Written by: Slim
Top Ten Reasons Why Cristiano Ronaldo can make sweet love to your wife without you doing a damn thing about it…
First off, Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro is a 25 year old soccer player from Portugal who is widely known as the best soccer player in the world. He plays for one of the most famous teams of all time, Real Madrid in Spain and lives a life that you and I can only dream of. Simply said, he is the coolest guy ever!
This is a Two-Part series, so be on the lookout for the 1-1 interview with the soccer star later this week.
10.) The man has a lot of Coin, Money, Dinero, Yen, Euro, Peso, Yuan:
In whatever currency, Ronaldo is rich, and I don’t mean the guy in your neighborhood rich with a sport court and a Mazda Miata…I am talking about an annual salary from Real Madrid of 13 million Euro a year, which is about 17 million in straight American CASH! That is 680 Miata’s…which could actually be pretty cool. 17 million a year is also about 34 million Jack-in-the-Box tacos, which could single handedly solve the food crisis in Haiti.That doesn’t take into account the 1 billion Euro buyout he has with the team. That is 1 and 9 zeros if you are counting at home. All in all, if for some crazy reason your wife doesn’t like him, he could buy her.
9.) Boy Band Good Looks:
He is tall, dark and handsome…I first showed Ronaldo to my mother and this is an exact quote: “delicious”, which I don’t think my dad would really appreciate. My response on the other hand, was the classic bro response: “yeah mom, he is alright…”
Ronaldo has been on countless “Best Looking Athlete Lists” and basically can have his pick of ladies and who are we kidding, most dudes.
-Nike – 32.5 million
-Banco Espírito Santo
Cristiano can outfit your WAG (Wife and Girlfriend) in the finest of Nike and Armani gear, while getting her a zero interest loan, all the diet cokes she ever wants, along with oil changes for life and free shampoo…and who doesn’t love free shampoo. What the F can you get for your wifey! Game, set, match…RONALDO!!
I know chicks dig awards and accomplishments…I mean I got my first girlfriend after I was awarded third in the science fair with the classic volcano/baking soda exhibit. Made it to second base with a girl after I won the school “Magic Card” championship and my first experience with a naked girl was after I was named “most likely to own a European Car” in High School.
Ronaldo’s Awards…FIFA World Player of the Year, Ballon D’Or, The Golden Boot, Portuguese Footballer of the Year, four-time UEFA Team of the Year, PFA Young Player of the Year, two-time PFA Players’ Player of the Year, four-time Premier League Team of The Year, UEFA Club Footballer of the Year, World Soccer Player of the Year, three Premier League titles, FA Cup, two League Cups, FA Community Shield, FIFA Club World Cup, UEFA Champions League. 2009 Euro Freak-in-the-Sheets award…That is a joke but is a nice segue into my next subject. Alright, take a breath…and let that all sink in, he is really good.
6.) Beast in the Bedroom:
Life and Style Mag says this about the soccer star: “Ronaldo reportedly has a taste for call girls and group sex…”
This means one thing and one thing only…Cristiano can not only bring the heat on the field but also in the bedroom. How do normal guys like us compete with a lion like that? The only time we are involved in a threesome is when we hit the links on a Saturday morning, which is a little different than what Ronaldo is doing. Let your mind wonder on this one…C. Ronaldo wins on all accounts.
5.) Super Human Strength:
In 2009, Ronaldo totaled his Ferrari and walked away unscathed…It has been rumored that he a
ctually came out of the crash stronger, taller and with a 12 minute sex tape. When asked for comments, Ronaldo was most upset about losing his CD titled “Beatz in the Sheetz” with the following slow jams:
-“So Anxious”, Genuine
-“Bump N’ Grind”, R. Kelly
-“Nasty Grind”, Adina Howard
-“My Neck, My Back”, Khia
-“Doin’ It”, LL COOL J
-“Freak Me”, Silk
-“Sex Room”, Ludacris and Trey Songz
-“How Does it Feel”, D’Angelo
4.) He has girls on girls…
Nike Ghazian – Model
Nuria Bermudez – Sports Agent
Paris Hilton – Model, Loser
Karina Bacchi – Italian Soap star
Insert Your Wifes Name “Here”
Karina Ferro – Model ————->
Nereida Gallardo – Model
Luana Belletti – Chelsea Soccer star Juliano Belletti’s sister.
Daniele Aguiar – Brazilian Super model
Diana Chavez – Actress
Maria Sharapova – Tennis Star
Isabel Figueir – Model
Gabriela Endringer – Model
“Your Girlfriends Name”
Luciana Abreu – Singer, Actress, and a TV Host
Raffaella Fico – Spanish Model
Marina Rodriguez – Miss Portugal
Letizia Filippi – Italian Model
Imogen Thomas – Model and Actress
Kim Kardashian – Model and Actress
Bipasha Basu – Model and Bollywood Actress
Gemma Atkinson – Model (Editors note: Ronaldo cheated on her with a couple of pro’s, true story)
3.) Washboard Abs:
Pretty self explainable, he has F’ING WASHBOARD ABS!
2.) He has a lot of Cars:
Ronaldo rolls in the following whippppppers…
-Aston Martin DB9 (£130,000)
-BMW M6 (£55,000)
-Phantom Rolls-Royce (£340,000)
-Porche Cayenne Turbo
-Bentley Continential GT Speed (£140,000)
-Ferrari 599GTB (£200,000) (Totaled this bad boy…)
-Bugatti Veyron (£830,000)
Just for reference, when Slim was 19-22, just like Ronaldo for most of these cars, he was rolling a 1991 Jeep Cherokee, which shook when taken above 55mph. Did have a custom black paint job though…which is not an ice cream paint job, yeah buddy.
1.) Ronaldo has a mullet:
If Cristiano Ronaldo can do all of these things aforementioned in 1-9, all with the likes of a mullet, he can for sure make love to your wife at any point. You can chalk that up…Ronaldo, your wife, mullet, bedroom, OVER!