He is I, and I am him, Slim With The Tilted Brim…
Written by: Slim

LEBRON LEBRON LEBRON LEBRON LEBRON LEBRON LEBRON LEBRON LEBRON

Hi, my name is LeBron…I am 6 foot 8 inches tall and weigh 275lbs. I know how to put an orange, round ball in a ten foot hoop better than anyone in the history of the world. I am about to be a free agent and about to get what the French call “Payé”…or what we say in the USA, PAID!

So a lot of you know that LeBron Raymone James is the best basketball player in the NBA, the planet, the universe. He might be the best player of all time, no offense MJ. LBJ is about to be a free agent, meaning any team can court him to come to their city for the right price. And let’s just say cities are pulling all the stops to get LeBron to come to their team.

The following are true reports of celebrities, city officials, politicians and more trying to entice LeBron to their respective cities.

-P. Diddy offered LeBron his brand vodka Ciroc, free for the rest of his life if he signs with the New York Knicks.

-Iron Chef Michael Symon, from Cleveland, offered LeBron and his family/friends a gourmet meal every month if he re-signs with the Cavs.

-New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg created a video trying to lure LeBron to the Knicks.

-President Barack Obama said that LeBron would look good with his hometown Chicago Bulls.

-NYC has created a campaign with the following team luring LeBron to the Knicks:

-Donald Trump

-Alec Baldwin

-Tracy Morgan

-Chris Rock

-Spike Lee

-Whoopi Goldberg

-Phil Simms

-John McEnroe

With this, I decided to make a top ten list of the more hidden gems many NBA cities are offering LeBron for his services:

AND AWAY WE GO!

10.) Orlando has offered LeBron the entire Disney World Corporation including Magic Kingdom, Epcot Center, Hollywood Studios, and the Animal Kingdom. They are also throwing in the water park Typhoon Lagoon, which is a money spot. I mean LeBron, a WATER PARK! There are three things in life I absolutely and undeniably love:

-The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition magazine,

-Silent Velcro, and

-Going on a double tube, black hole ride at a water park with a lady friend.

Also, the Matterhorn ride is sick like the bird flu! (Which is a good thing)

9.) Atlanta’s Club Cheetah (Gentleman’s club) owner Sherb Noble has told LeBron he can have lap dances for life if he signs with the Atlanta Hawks. And not those shit*y Vancouver BC lap dances, I mean the ones that you do not want to tell your wifey about. The ones where you think the stripper actually likes you. Wait, that girl named Cinnamon really didn’t like me? Nope, she likes LEBRON!

8.) The Toronto Raptors management have actually been working with Canadian scientists to create an actual raptor to give to LeBron as a house warming gift. You don’t really need a guard dog anymore when you got a pre-historic killer on the loose. If you don’t believe me, check out Jurassic Park.

“Clever Girl”…

7.) Minnesota politicians have told LeBron’s agent that if he signs with the Timberwolves that they will change their license plate from “Land of 10,000 Lakes”, to “Land of One LeBron”.

6.) MTV has told LeBron that if he signs with the L.A. Clippers, they will throw him on the “Hills” and get the chance to immediately date Audrina Patridge with a guaranteed Ménage à trois with Kristin Cavallari.

LeBron, I want to let you know that the scenario I just described is one of Slim’s top fantasies in life. If you don’t want to do it, get it done for people like me. Thanks ‘Bron!

5.) Utah officials have mentioned to LeBron that if he comes to the hometown Jazz that they will lineup 50 of their finest single ladies and have a group marriage. LeBron will instead of being known as King James, will be known as King Polygamy. Reports are also coming out that he will get free salt water taffy for life, which is quite the treat.

4.) There are rumblings in San Antonio that the Spurs have contacted the following players to surround LeBron with:

-Billy Hoyle

-Sidney Deane

-The King and Duck

-Jimmy Dolan

-Neon Boudreaux

-Butch McRae

– Jimmy Chitwood

-Jesus Shuttlesworth

If you haven’t seen the following b-ball movies, you are not allowed to read this blog any longer as slim doesn’t want you! Joking, but seriously:

-White Men Can’t Jump

-The Air Up There

-Blue Chips

-Hoosiers

-He Got Game

3.)In our nation’s capital, the Washington Wizards have offered LeBron no taxes for life, and the secret’s to the following questions:

-Who killed JFK,

-How did Elvis die,

-Did Screech from “Saved by the Bell” really have a sex tape

-How many chicks Charlie Sheen has slept with

-The real reason LA does not have a NFL team

-Why the government has such a vendetta against New Orleans

So, some pretty cool stuff…

2.) And now the good ol’ Seattle SuperSonics have guaranteed LeBron a starting centerfield spot with the Mariners, a starting WR spot with the Seahawks, Product
Manager spot with Microsoft, Account Specialist position with Amazon, Barista at Starbucks, and finally a Men’s Shoes Salesman role with Nordstrom. No NBA team though, thank you Clay Bennett and Howard fuc*kin’ Schultz!

AND FINALLY,

1.) And my personal favorite…The Sacramento Kings owners, the Malouf brothers (owners of the Palms) have allegedly offered to create a new mega-hotel in Las Vegas called the LeBroctopus…the entire hotel being underwater. LEBROCTOPUS!

Anyone want to book a suite at the LeBroctopus for Memorial Day 2012? I am in…bring your wet suit!

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About the author

Slim had written 144 articles for Slim With The Tilted Brim