Number one, I take two number three’s…That’s a whole lot of you and a side of me.
Written by: Slim

COLLEGE FOOTBALL PREVIEW


Sorority chants, frat food, and college pigskin are in the AIR!!!  Must be Fall…
Sitting in a Seattle Starbucks, the sun shining, sipping on a drink that has words in it like frappuccino, veinte, sugar free, non-fat, extra ice, no whip, and light (yes, slim is known to be high maintenance, and no, I don’t say Slim when they ask for my name), I know why people live in this Northwest gem.  This is week 4 out of 10 during Seattle’s famous summers.  Light till 10:30pm, boating, beers, happy hours, Mariners losing game after game, the entire city buzzing and every hot girl in a teeny, tiny tank top, swim suit or sun dress.  In about a month, it all comes to a close, Patagonia and North Face jackets are taken out of the closet, UGG boots are slipped on and everyone collectively lets out a “F My Life”.
THE FALL IS ALMOST UPON US!
The only thing to get a Seattleite through such pain and anguish is the College Football season and subsequent tailgating circuit.  There is nothing better in the entire world than waking up on a crisp Saturday morning and heading down to the stadium for a full day of parking lot beers, friends, bbq and jello shots.  What are jello shots one might ask?  They are shots of jello and booze, and if you don’t know, take your mouse click the upper right “X” on your screen and head to this website:
 
College Football is around a month away and I will tell you what, I am f’ing excited.
-Is it depressing I worship 18-22 years olds on the football field…MAYBE.
-Is it pathetic I wish more than anything in life I still was in college…PROBABLY. 
-Is it disheartening that my teams will never live up to my expectations…YES
-Is it embarrassing getting rejected not by one, but a plethora of sorority girls when asked if they want to come back to my tent in the parking lot?  ABSOLUTELY
-Do I give a flying F about any of that noise?  NOPE.
 
I love college football and nothing will stop me.  Actually I just lied to your face, the following things could stop me from watching the good ol’ pigskin fly this fall:
-Jessica Biel in a Romper that says “Slimwiththetiltedbrim” on the backside;
-Zeus himself striking me down with a lightning bolt; and
-Mel Gibson…he doesn’t like my kind, if you catch my drift.
Alright, enough with the intro, some quick facts about the upcoming College Football season:
Ten Teams to Look Out For:
Defending National Champion Alabama is STACKED!
-On the offensive side of the ball, Junior running back Mark Ingram is a beast, the defending Heisman trophy winner, and yes, he even looks like he is a 51 year old father of six.
-Junior Wide Receiver Julio Jones is a monster who can do it all on the field.  Julio also has sick to very sick dreads which account for at least 2 catches a game.
-Defensively, Bama’ brings back terrifying junior Linebacker Dont’a Hightower…yep his name is Dont’a and he will put you in a sleeper hold and watch you fall into a deep slumber.
-12 Pre-Season All-SEC Picks…that is a f’ing lot!
Arkansas:
-Stud 6’7 QB Ryan Mallett has an absolute rocket arm and most likely packs in the pants (I mean he is 6 feet 7 inches!)
-Stud TE D.J. Williams (declared for NFL then pulled out,
which is always a good idea, what’s up?) will be a great option for Mallett…
-Arkansas is going to surprise some people this year in the SEC WEST, know that!
Miami:
-Is Miami finally back to the “U” that we know and love?
-Can star QB Jacory Harris (with his FLY hair cut) and company get it done with tons of talent in Coral Gables?
-On the defensive side, Junior Corner Back Brandon Harris is a blanket on the field, covering everything and anything.
-If the team needs any inspiration, just check this shizzzzz out…WE BALLERS BOYYYYY:
Ohio State:
All-Everything QB Terrelle Pryor returns for his Junior year.  People are giving him a hard time but Riddle me these stat lines:
Comp
Att
Yards
TDs
Int
Rush Att
Yards
Average
TDs
QB#1
148
250
1,849
12
11
167
1,079
6.5
14
QB#2
166
294
2,087
18
11
162
794
4.9
7
Both second year college stats of two famous duel threat QBs…
-QB#1 = Vince “The Showstopper” Young, University of Texas legend.
-QB#2 = Terrelle “TP” Pryor
So, TP has a chance to be pretty good.
-Anchoring the defense is Future NFL Star Cameron Heyward…this 6’5 288lb behemoth owns the defense.  His dad is former NFL running back nicknamed “IRONHEAD”…ENOUGH SAID!
Boise State:
-Boise State is finally commanding respect with a perfect record last year.
-Kellen Moore is one of the best QBs in the nation with last year stats of 39 TDs with only 3 INTs…the only knock on him is that they play against basically High School teams.
-After beating Oregon and at home, this was their schedule last year:
-Miami of Ohio
-Fresno State
-Bowling Green
-UC Davis
-Tulsa
-Hawaii
-San Jose State
-Louisiana Tech
-Utah State
-University of Idaho
-Nevada
-New Mexico State
And we always wonder why teams like this don’t play in the BCS Championship game.  This is the same schedule my Intramural team played junior year of college, TRUE STORY.
-Jeron Johnson is the stud DB on the team (Jim Thorpe preseason Award watch list)
Texas:
-UT savior Colt McCoy is with the Browns now, so it’s up to young (True Sophomore) Garret Gilbert to lead them to the promise land.  Garret is young, but he is good…some awards he won out of High School:
-Gatorade and Parade National Player of the Year
-EA Sports Mr. Football USA
-USA Today’s Offensive Player of the Year
-Wow, I thought a 2nd Team all-conference on the debate team was solid, this guy kills me.
Of course UT is still stacked on defense:
-CB Curtis Brown, S Blake Gideon and CB Aaron Williams all are on the Jim Thorpe preseason Award watch list.  So, don’t throw the ball on them, they are bigger, faster and stronger than you.  (Not ME, just YOU!)
Oklahoma:
-Four starters back on the O-line, Experienced QB Landry Jones, who has a mustache (which adds a little something something), and the best WRs in the entire nation (Led by Ryan Broyles and his 89 for 1,120 and 15 TDs).  OU’s offense will be as dominate as ever!
-Defensively, the Sooners have the best LB in the Big 12 with Travis Lewis and Quinton Carter will break your neck at free safety. 
-Note the dreads, Note the DREADS!!! Get em’ Quinton!
USC:
-First and foremost, Matt Barkley is the coolest guy since Uncle Jesse in “Full House”.  He has been a stud since the 2nd grade.  A born and raised California kid who has been cleaning up on the opposite sex since the late 90’s.              
-New head coach Lane Kiffin is an absolute D-bag though, which doesn’t help.
-Offensively, they are very young with freshman WRs Kyle Prater, Robert Woods and Markeith Ambles trying to catch balls form sophomore Barkley.  WR Ronald Johnson and RB Allen Bradford are the elder statesman who will do some big things.
Washington:
This year it’s all about #10 on the field, #1 on our hearts, QB Jake Locker.  A few urban legends about the Husky QB:
– Jake Locker puts the laughter in manslaughter.
-Jake Locker can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
-“Who let the dogs out”?  Jake Locker did…
-Jake Locker once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Jake won by 5.
– Jake Locker can slam a revolving door.
-It takes Jake Locker 13 minutes to watch “60 Minutes”  
– Jake Locker can divide by zero. 
-The huskies are finally back from the abyss…5-7 last year with hopes of a big time bowl appearance this year.
-They bring back a sick offense led by QB Locker with 1,000 yard rusher Chris Polk and a trio of stud WRs: Jermaine Kearse, James Johnson, and Devin Aguilar.

AND FINALLY…
For those who don’t know much about tailgating and or College Football:
Glossary of Acronyms for a College Football Fan:
TGSSWISTGMCLB:
Times glanced at the student section wishing I was sitting there gently massaging a co-eds lower back.
-Usage in a sentence: Man, Johnny is really high on the TGSSWISTGMCLB scale this Saturday.
TOPCOTF:
Times one pees on a car with the opposing team’s flag
-This one can be good or bad…depending how big the dude is who’s car you urinate on.  I suggest a guy under 5 foot 8 inches who kind of looks like the main guy from Malcom in the Middle.
DTMEDT:
Different types of meats eaten during tailgate
 -I would keep this under 5 meats…I mean have you seen the porta potties at football games?  NOT something you want to get involved with.
TIBBWMB:
Times I back bump with my bros
-Needs to be over 30…My record is 1,472 and let’s just say each and everyone one was special. 
ATSGTIAA:
Attempts to tell Sorority girls that I am an Astronaut
-Note to reader…My go to profession is the Astronaut, so you are going to have to think of something else, suggestions are as follows:
-Oil Tycoon
-Air Force Pilot
-Guy who invented the Pop Tart
-Adult Film Star, including notable films such as “Jingle Balls” and “Humpty Dumpty Sat on your”…not going there.  Trust me, they will be impressed.

That is it…SEE YOU GUYS AT THE STADIUM!

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About the author

Slim had written 144 articles for Slim With The Tilted Brim