So While You’re Imitating Al Capone, I’ll Be Nina Simone And Defacating on Your Microphone
Written by: Slim

And on the seventh day, God created “Slimwiththetiltedbrim”

  
August 18, 1983…a day of rejoice, a day of happiness, a day where yours truly was born, KNOW THAT!
  
On my birthday I have a couple wishes I would like to make, so buckle up and get ready for the ride:
My 10 BIRTHDAY WISHES
 1.) The Seattle Mariners sign the following line up for tonight’s game and tonight’s game only:
1-Joey Cora, 2B
2-Darren Bragg. LF
3-Ken Griffey, Jr., CF
4-Edgar Martínez, DH
5-Jay Buhner, RF
6-Tino Martinez, 1B
7-Mike Blowers. 3B
8-Dan Wilson. C
9-Felix Fermin, SS
With Randy on the mound.
Thus becoming the “1995 Refuse to Lose” squad that made for the best summer of my life!
2.) Mike Vick to quit the NFL and become the duel threat QB on my men’s flag football team we sorely need.  Sorry Tyler…(who is the current QB for my team, tough sh*t.)
3.) Tiger Woods, Derek Jeter, the late Wilt Chamberlain, Joe Namath, and Cristiano Ronaldo take me out to a night club and show me how they do what they do…OFF THE FIELD!  Ladies beware.  It will be like shooting a fish in a barrel, and let’s just say I love a good sockeye salmon.
4.) Get a tag-team cage match set up between myself and The New York Jets Bart Scott Vs. USC Head Football Coach Lane Kiffin(I would arm bar the sh*t out of him) and Boston Red Sox Outfielder J.D. Drew (my hate for him is everlasting).  Oh yeah, Lane and J.D.’s hands are tied behind their back…I mean these are my birthday wishes, I will DO WHAT I WANT!
5.) Play a game of strip Tennis with Anna Kournikova, followed by a game of make out golf with Natalie Gulbis, and ending with a nice breast stroke swim lesson from Amanda Beard…THANK YOU GOD!
 
6.) Basketball ICON Jimmy Dolan to actually come to my house and teach me the world famous “Jimmy Dolan Shake and Bake”.  Fake left, then right, then through the legs! AYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
7.) I need Clinton Portis to name one of his new personalities “SLIM”.
Current Portis Characters he portrays for interviews:
-Southeast Jerome
-Sheriff Gonna Getcha
-Coach Janky Spanky
-The ghost of southeast Jerome
-Choo Choo, the dance instructor
-Dolemite Jenkins
And everyone, I did not make these up, Clinton really does this, EXHIBIT A & B:
8.) I want to go head to head with Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut in a Jack-In-The-Box Taco eating contest.  This isn’t hot dogs anymore boys…I can put down at least 60!  And a curly fry… YA HEARD!
 9.) Go Surfing in Hawaii with Kunu from “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” and for him to give me a cool nickname like Laki Luki.
10.) Finally, my last birthday wish:
I WISH more than anything that Clay Bennett, Owner of the Oklahoma City Thunder and “Stabber Backer” of the entire city of Seattle, was to be found the reason for the oil spill in the gulf, thus bankrupting and humiliating him, and making him sell the team to a quiet Seattle resident and recent mega million winner and owner of the blog “Slimwiththetiltedbrim.”  The Seattle Sonics would be back playing in the Key Arena and star Player Kevin Durant would move into my third bedroom.  C’mon Kevin, I make a mean lean cuisine…

That is it…if any of these happen, it will be a great birthday…See you all next year for another list of wishes!  If I see you out tonight, throw a beer or shot my way and for you ladies out there, you know what to do…

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About the author

Slim had written 144 articles for Slim With The Tilted Brim