Yes I am Weezy but I ain’t Asthmatic…
Written by: Slim
Hate is a very strong word, a word associated with wars, hostility and violence.  That is why I only hate a few things in life…Obviously very IMPORTANT aspects in society.

The really important, life changing things I absolutely hate in this world…DRUMS PLEASE:

-5 hour energy Decaf (the blue bottles)…What the “F” does that mean?  Are people so addicted to the taste of 5 hour energy that they need to drink them without the caffeine/energy component? Is it like an O’douls?  There are so many questions I have for the makers of this product…whatever, I hate it! 
-Waking up before 10am…let’s just say it is not natural.  (The only time that waking up early is acceptable is when there is a little filly next to you offering back rubs and a Puerto Rican Celery Stick Ride.)  Consider yourself a better human being if you do not know what the PRCSR is…
-Guys who work out with the following accessories or habits:
*Extreme cut-off shirts
*Gloves or chalk for their hands
*Headbands
*Continually look in the mirror to see if their muscles have grown.  
-NEWS FLASH D-BAG: “They haven’t grown…the only thing that has grown is the key mark I made on your leased 2010 Volkswagen Golf.”

-Country Music…I have tried over and over to get into it, but it simply and purely SUCKS.  A consolation prize for country music lovers, I would do unspeakable things to Billy Ray Cyrus’s daughter, how old is she again?
-When your feet fall asleep and you get that needle feeling…so horrible.
AND FINALLY…
-The Boston Red Sox Outfielder J.D. Drew, I loathe him…he is the Lebanon to my Israel.
One might ask, “Slim, that is so random you hate a player like J.D. Drew, he has done nothing to you, your family and anything to your favorite sports teams…”
That is correct, J.D. Drew has never hooked up with my mom, taken my  girlfriend, hit a walk-off home run vs. the Mariners…not even cut me off on the road.  But he is still my least favorite baseball player BY FAR, and I will tell you why.

Why I hate the Boston Red Sox Outfielder JD DREW!
In the format of my boy Shel Silverstein, Who doesn’t love “A Light in the Attic.”
I hate J.D. Drew because…
His name is David Jonathan Drew but he goes by “J.D.” (Instead of D.J.)
I hate J.D. Drew because…
He was always the best athlete growing up at his Georgia High School and in college at Florida State.
I hate J.D. Drew because… 
He was selected 2nd by the Phillies but never signed because J.D.’s greedy A*S wanted the biggest signing bonus of all time.
I hate J.D. Drew because…
The next year, when J.D. was finally selected and signed by the St. Louis Cardinals, he was said to be the next Mickey Mantle…
I hate J.D. Drew because…
During the 6 years with the St. Louis Cardinals, J.D. batted a pedestrian .282 with an average of 16 Home Runs and 47 RBI’s per year.
I hate J.D. Drew because…
The year before J.D.’s contract was up he had the best stats of his life with the Atlanta Braves.
I hate J.D. Drew because…
The stupid L.A. Dodgers signed him to a 5 year $55 million contract, getting duped into thinking he was worth it. 
I hate J.D. Drew because…
His last name is a first name…(DREW)
You can never trust people like that…What do you know about a guy named “CLAY BENNETT”? Case in Point!
I hate J.D. Drew because…
Bill Simmons hates J.D. Drew.
I hate J.D. Drew because…
He has never played over 150 games in a season over 12 years of MLB service.
I hate J.D. Drew because…
He could most likely beat me up…and when I say most likely I mean 100%.
I hate J.D. Drew because…
A guy at a bar once told me he loved J.D. so much because he was a great “clubhouse guy” and it made me sick.  For the money he makes, I will give everyone in the “clubhouse” massages and make them Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandy’s with the crusts cut off!  Who is a good clubhouse guy now?
I hate J.D. Drew because…
After 2 years with the Dodgers and batting .284 with an average of 17 HRs and 68 RBIs in 109 games…the Boston Red Sox signed him to a new contract of 5 years $70 MILLION…WHAT!!!???
I hate J.D. Drew because…
In 55 postseason games he has batted .261 with 7HRs and 25 RBIs with a ROBUST .408 Slugging Percentage!  Too put this into perspective, Ruben Sierra’s stats in the postseason in 31 games: .264, 5HRs 21 RBIs with a .549 slugging….RUBEN F’ing SIERRA!!!
I hate J.D. Drew because…
He makes a cool $14,000,000 this year.  That is an every 2 week paycheck of $538,461 and change.  How does that make you feel?  Maybe, as a kid, you should have put the “Choose Your Own Adventure” book down and practiced a little more baseball growing up, huh?
I hate J.D. Drew because…
I can make a f’ing All-Star team with a budget under $14 million including a starting pitcher and relief pitcher…10 PLAYERS!  THEO EPSTEIN, do you like apples?  I got the numbers to prove it…
HOW ABOUT THEM APPLES!
TEAM
PLAYER
SALARY
POSITION
Cincinnati Reds
Joey Votto
 $        525,000
1B
Atlanta Braves
Martin Prado
 $        440,000
2B
Chicago White Sox
Alexei Ramirez
 $    1,225,000
SS
Tampa Bay Rays
Evan Longaria
 $        950,000
3B
San Francisco Giants
Buster Posey
 $        400,000
C
Colorado Rockies
Carlos Gonzalez
 $        406,000
OF
Toronto Blue Jays
Jose Bautista
 $    2,400,000
OF
Texas Rangers
Josh Hamilton
 $    3,250,000
OF
Colorado Rockies
Ubaldo Jimenez
 $    1,250,000
Starting Pitcher
Boston Red Sox
Daniel Bard
 $        415,500
Relief Pitcher
TOTAL:
 $  11,261,500
To finish this article up I have created a list of things/actions my boy J.D. Drew could do to (as Dumb and Dumber would say) TOTALLY REDEEM HIMSELF.  Do you have an inclination that I like lists yet?
-“Fix” and/or “throw” one game a week by playing terribly and anonymously contacting slimwiththetiltedbrim so I can bet against them BoSox.
-Hit a line drive off of Mark Teixeira’s glove, which then goes straight into the stands hitting a fan in the first row…just so happens that fan is Lindsay Lohan, she drops her expensive purse in some nacho cheese and the fans next to her yell about how much they hated “Herby Fully Loaded”…God I hate that chick! 
 
-Agreeing to an ESPN “30 for 30” documentary about how sh*tty of a career J.D. has had, directed by Bill Simmons and titled “You can’t spell overpaid, journeyman loser without a J and D.”
-Tweet “I am overrated” everyday until he is 50.
-Come out with a new beginning to “Duck Tales” where instead of Scrooge McDuck diving into a pool of gold…It’s the cartoon version of J.D. Drew.
 -Demand a trade to the Montreal Expos…paging Marquis Grissom are you still in the league?
-J.D. to participate in a pay-per-view Royal Rumble with the following beasts:
-Kyle Farnsworth (Atlanta Braves relief pitcher who was voted by his MLB peers for the title of “MLB player I would least like to get into a fight with”.  LINK to Farnsworth BRAWL
                 -The late and great Andre the Giant… “Anybody want a peanut?”
                -Sylvester Stallone and Ivan Drago… “If he dies, he dies…”
                -An Anaconda…the one that ate Jon Voight in the self-titled thriller.
                Ice Cubes best effort to date!
 
-The “Black Lotus”…which is the greatest and most powerful Magic Card.  (Not going to kiss a girl for about 6 months because of that comment.)
 
– Albert Haynesworth (Before getting paid and when he was really mean…like stomping on guy’s  heads mean…)
                -Ron Artest (Before he started to see a shrink)
                -Sloth from the “Goonies” (Pre Baby Ruth snack)”Hey you guyssssssssssss…”
I hope I have given you the ammo to have at least a little hate for J.D. Drew and maybe even boo his overpaid, underachieving AS* one day.  If you still don’t have the detestation I am looking for concerning J.D., think about your paycheck compared to his next time you pay your mortgage…not a great feeling.
IF HE DIES, HE DIES…

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About the author

Slim had written 144 articles for Slim With The Tilted Brim