This lost boy got fly without Peter Pan…And my delivery just got me buzzin’ like the pizza man.Written by: Slim
So when I promised to do 32 NFL Reviews in 32 days, I did not realize how bored I would get writing the same thing over and over again. So like any smart business man would do, I have outsourced some of the work to my bros, who know sports like me, are hilarious like me, and a couple are even handsome like me…
To start with the guest writers, is Tyler (“Tramz” for those who know him) who will review the Jacksonville Jaguars…
A little bio of Tyler:
-Has his own vocabulary and made-up words…including 41 nicknames.
-Likes tequila and forcing it upon anyone willing to drink…
-Has a cannon for an arm and one hell of a QB in flag football.
-Used to sell life insurance and now works for the Seahawks…talk about a turnaround for the best! So, he is basically Kurt Warner 2.0!
–Always has a fresh fade…
-Loves Denver Bronco QB Kyle Orton.
TYLER ON THE JAGS:
The Jacksonville-Los Angeles Jaguars rely solely on one player and three letters. MJD…Running Back Maurice Jones Drew has been a bowling ball ever since he entered the league in 2006. He might be the only guy shorter than SLIM but runs as hard as any midgets in the league. Fellow former UCLA Bruin Mercedes Lewis is a gigantic red zone threat for the Jags who took down the titanic Buffalo Bills over the weekend. Although he’s scoring TD’s at a ridiculous rate, I have no fathomable reason why I would name my kid Mercedes, unless I was running a stripper breeding farm. The Hyphens are also lead in the receiving corps by Mike Sims-Walker and Mike Thomas. The receiving corps has been void of play makers and guys who party ever since Matt Jones, Reggie Williams, and Jimmy Smith stopped racking lines like Tony Montana.
Editor’s note: David Garrard will not be acknowledged as a QB in the NFL.
Where do I start…to beef up a D Line that had less sacks last year than any unit in the league they added Aaron “one knee” Kampman and drafted Tyson Alualu with the 10th pick overall. They averaged less than 1 sack a game. So they basically took the year off. Linebackers are headed by Oakland reject Kirk Morrison, Indy reject Freddy Keiaho and undersized Justin Durant. Morrison is a tackling machine but can’t even run a 40 yard dash without having his Ensure first. The Secondary features Rashean Mathis who has be close to getting his Social Security checks and the rest of the bunch might need to wear name tags even at their own facility. So, all in all, NOT GREAT!
MJD…THAT IS IT!
Has been racking up yards since 2005 where he steamrolled the UW Huskies for 322 yards and 5 TD’s in college.
Former Player we wish still was in JAX:
John Henderson…Crazy, big brotha!
Cheerleader of the week:
The Cheer squad is busted so this is for the….
“Cheerleader that Most resembles a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle”
Best Name on the Team:
He was only nominated because there is nothing GOOD about being 30, hanging out with an 18 year old chick, getting pistol whipped by her ex boyfriend and jumping out of a two story building. Go to Chucky Cheese if you want younger chicks, maybe you can get a prize out of it instead of a facial scar and busted knee.
2010 Record :
It only baffles me how the Jags can get annihilated by the Chargers by 4 touchdowns one week and come back and beat the AFC Champ Colts the next. The NFL is beautiful, Jacksonville is not.
Jags finish 5-11.