Baby still workin at the club, so I’m gettin in free…Wednesday night I’m on the list T-Pain (TPrice) + 3…Written by: Slim
Next in line in the NFC North is the Cincinnati Bengals and this article is written by none other than my boy and every girl’s desire: T. PRICE. Knowledgeable in sports and of course the fertile Yakima Valley, T. Price is a first time contributer to Slim in a hopefully long a and fruitful relationship. And now, without further ado…the T. Price Bio:
T. PRICE BIO:
-Loves Apples…especially in little bags.
-Has been known to “Stanky Leg” on occasion…
-Does not like Reebok, Adidas, Puma, Fila, British Knights and/or Under Armour…Only those NIKEs…(Like Booby Miles says it).
-Bleeds Purple and Gold of the Washington Huskies…
-Does a great Denver Bronco RB Laurence Moroney impression. “Yeah, I’m going to the League…”
-Like Slim, loves the slow jams, especially in the bedroom (with chicks of course, or CHICK…I got you JH)
-Favorite pump up song is “It’s Raining Men…”
-Enjoys talking in the third person…calls himself T. Price thrice in this article…haha.
Bengals…According to T. Price:
After going 4-11 in 2008, the Bengals rebounded for a 10-6 record and an AFC North crown last year, only to lose to the Jets in the first round of the playoffs. It’s safe to say this was a very successful season for the Bengals…especially considering all of their legal troubles. The Bengals are to the NFL what the Jailblazers were to the NBA. Ticket prices were raised 10% in 2010 to pay for bail, legal fees, and bodyguards that protect the public FROM the players. Apparently, a team with Pacman Jones, Tank Johnson, Chris Henry (RIP), Cedric Benson, Ray Maualuga, Bernard Scott, Leon Hall, Jonathan Joseph, Frostee Rucker, and Kevin Huber (ok, maybe not K-Hubes!) is not only dangerous off the field… but ON the field as well!
The Offense is led by veteran quarterback Carson Palmer, running back/criminal Cedric Benson, and divas Ochocinco and T.O. Palmer’s career has been more of a roller coaster than anything, riddled with injuries (I think he has a prosthetic leg) and inconsistent play, but at least he’s stayed out of jail right? Cedric Benson is a solid running back when he’s not drinking and/or punching bouncers. When focused and motivated, Ochocinco and T.O. can still be very productive receivers, although they are both past their prime. The key for this unit will be keeping distractions (legal problems and reality TV shows) to a minimum and protecting Carson Palmer.
The Cincinnati defense is led by Dhani Jones, who, believe it or not, has his own show on the Travel Channel called “Dhani Tackles the Globe.” Yeah, that’s right, THE TRAVEL CHANNEL. Generally speaking, if your leading tackler has his own show on the Travel Channel, it’s probably not a good sign. Former USC beasts Keith Rivers and Ray Maualuga bring a little toughness, as does the newly-acquired Roy Williams and his dimer of a wife (who didn’t love Destiny’s Child?!) All in all, the defense isn’t much better than average, which suddenly leaves me wondering why they are still on my fantasy team.
The star player is actually a two-headed reality show-filming diva WR monster named “T-OchoCinco” a.k.a. Batman and Robin a.k.a. Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco.
On paper, this looks like the best combo since Nikki Benz and Rachel Roxxx (we’ll get to that in another post). But the truth is, it is only a matter of time until T.O. pulls one of his usual stunts and becomes more of an inconvenience than having to drop a deuce in the middle of a late-night frat basement grind sesh. T.O. known for his off-field antics as much as his on-field play. Some of my favorite T.O. moments (you can find all of these on YouTube) include: “That’s my quarterback” in tears, T.O. doing sit-ups in front of his house while his agent Drew Rosenhaus gives his list of demands, T.O.’s catch in the end zone against Green Bay and Brett “five and a quarter inch” Favre in 1998, and T.O. celebrating on the Dallas Cowboy star at midfield in 2000.
Chad is known for his trash talking, his season-long list of DB targets, his McDonalds diet, his “20XX Hall of Fame” blazer, and his awesome touchdown celebrations. Ochocinco may be Spanish, but he certainly has some Irish in him somewhere:
TPrice’s favorite Ben-Gal:
I must say, I don’t plan on visiting Cincinnati anytime soon. TPrice was not impressed with the cheer squad. It was like trying to find a good looking girl at (Slim edit: Let’s just say it was one of the bigger/hungrier sororities at UW). Any who, here’s my analysis of the cheer squad:
On a team with guys with names like Chad Ochocinco, Chinedum Ndukwe, Domata Peko, and Fui Vakapuna, you’ve got plenty of options. Although all of the aforementioned (that’s an SAT word bitches) names are each phenomenal in their own way, how can we not go with FROSTEE Rucker?!
Frostee when asked if that was his real name: “I hated the name when I was a kid, but I’ve grown with it. My dad wanted to give me a name that was unique, and he did it. Now, I kind of like it.”
At 6’3” 280 lbs, we promise not to make fun of you, Frostee!
Player We Wish Was Still Playing:
The one, the only, Elbert L. “Ickey” Woods…
Need I say more??
The Bengals are off to a lackluster start in 2010 at 2-3. Unfortunately for them, they are in a division with powerhouses Baltimore (and former murderer Ray Lewis) and Pittsburgh (and rapist extraordinaire Ben Roethlisberger). Taking a look at the rest of their schedule, they only play three teams (Miami, Buffalo, Cleveland) that had a losing records last season. Therefore, TPrice’s prediction calls for a 7-9 record and two very unhappy WRs. At least the fans have hot cheerleaders to look at right…?
P.S. If our buddy Chris Henry has taught us one thing, it’s this: Don’t go pickup truck “bed surfing”…RIP BROTHA…