Bad to the brisle, hat to the rizzle, I’m so official all I need is a whistle…I’m going innnnnn.Written by: Slim
J-E-T-S…JETS JETS JETS!
Next up on the NFL review wagon is my good friend J.R. Rue. I have known this guy since the first grade setting trends and telling jokes all the way. I mean Joel is the friend I talked about in the “About Me” section who pantsed a guy with me…and that was in 1993, so it has been a while! Here we go, the bio:
-Loves Carnation “Instant Breakfast Drinks”
-Lives in Newport Beach, CA…so any ladies down there looking to get broken off, meet him at Woody’s Wharf, trust me.
-Has a great air bass guitar…”Slapping the Bass Mannnn”
-Is a Washington State Cougar, which Slim does not like…
-Gets 100% silent after 31 beers, 11 shots of tequila, 3 jello shots and 2 slow dances to Keith Sweat…I mean like Charlie Chaplin Silent.
-Once got his girlfriend stolen by Jamal Crawford…Atlanta Hawks sharpshooter. TOO SOON?
-First car was the Isuzu Trooper…love that f’ing thing!
-and finally, Barb, his mom, makes a delightful Oreo Cookie Surprise Dessert…What is the suprise one might ask? You don’t want to KNOW!
The New York Jets, told through the great looking eyes of one Joel Robert Rue:
First and foremost I would like to say thank you to Slim for allowing me this great honor of writing on this fine blog. Like my favorite people from the Shore of Jersey would say: “Lets get it in.”
After going 9-7 last year and Snooki-ing their way into the playoffs, the New York Jets lost a heart breaker in the AFC Championship game to Peyton Manning and the Colts. Busy in the off season, the Jets inked a deal with HBO putting them on the Hard Knocks reality show. Out of the 6 seasons the program has been running, this was by far the best year filled with star players and unreal segments. With all of this hype about the team preseason, who wasn’t pitching a tent in the crotchel region to watch the JETS this year…(I know my pants were tight to very tight below the belt, and it wasn’t the pleats.)
Jet drama preseason:
-Revis holding out…
-LT joining the squad and everyone wondering if it will be the LT of old or will he play like he has a grand piano on his back again…
-Coach Rex Ryan being the coolest, funniest, sailor mouthed man in the world (and he rocks Chuck Taylors).
-The QB “Dream Boat” they call Mark Sanchez, who for sure is Christiano Ronoldo-ing the hell out of NYC with the opposite sex.
-The best three minutes of television ever (excluding Jersey Shore) when DB Antonio Cromartie had a tough time naming all 63 of his kids.
-Finally and my personal favorite…their owner, Woody Johnson, who owns Johnson & Johnson…which coincidentally makes the most magical thing in all the land:
Here is why Baby Powder is so wonderful…
1.) You can use it to powder slap someone who has wronged you and not only does it feel invigorating, but it will also leave a white hand print behind letting the world know of your P.SLAP.
2.) The second reason is that it keeps you fresh all the time…sprinkle some in your vans and you can C-Walk all over town without getting funky.
-Tip for the gentlemen, sprinkle some on your step children before 2-steppin on the dance floor. This will keep you fresh-to-def when you bring that creeper home late night. Ya heard.
Coming into this season, the Jet offense was their biggest concern…with second year QB Mark Sanchez leading the charge. The Jets basically want him to be the “Trent Dilfer” of the 2001 Super Bowl Champion Baltimore Ravens and hand the ball off, letting the defense do the work. This year Mark lost his starting running back Thomas Jones who was cut after the season…T. Jones, thanks for the great three years, GET THE F OUT! They made up for it in taking a gamble with the acquisition of aging RB LaDainian Tomlinson, who is playing out of his mind this year. LT’s comeback could easily be compared to that of great romantic comedy actor Huge Grant. Grant, or what I like to call him, “Sleazy Hugh”, was busted in 1995 on accounts of being with a hooker or lady of the night for the all young readers…all the while dating Elizabeth Hurley. Then…amazingly Hugh pulled it together and dropped the movie Love Actually on us…what a Delicious film. So LT, look to Sleazy
Hugh for guidance.
The receiving core is being helped with the addition of Santonio Holmes to the team as the Jets are looking to help Sanchez anyway they can. So far the WRs have not been much help with Braylon (I can’t catch a cold or even a cab home from the bar) Edwards and Jerricho Cotchery and his 11 fingers…Yes ladies, I said 11 FINGERS! Think of the possibilities. The Jets running game is looking very strong due to the big guys up front. The O-Line is lead by center Nick Mangold, who is getting more pancakes on D-lineman than an I-HOP on a Sunday brunch.
The Jet Defense is kind of like the Soul Glo to the team’s Jerry Curl for the past two seasons…just makes everyone and everything look better.
With head coach Rex Ryan being the mastermind behind the defensive scheme, they look to dominate the league. The Jets still have fierce trash talker in LB Bart Scott and traded for talented but misguided DB Antonio Cromartie. AC might not remember all 146 of his kid’s names, but he remembers to go to film session and how to lock down Randy Moss on the regular.
Opposing DB Darrelle Revis aka “Revis Island” was given his nickname due to the lack of production WR’s have when he guards them…thus them being on REVIS ISLAND and never getting off or catching a ball. Well this year my man Revis has been looking like “Season 5” of Lost…where the characters are on and off the island like a sorority girl after three Bud light limes! Like Lost, injured and relatively ineffective Revis is tough to watch. But like Josh Hamilton with a drug habit, Lost came back very strong and so will Revis after his hamstring is back to 100%.
Player I Wish Was Still on the Team:
I am going to have to go with Broadway Joe Namath. He was the biggest party animal there ever was and still got it done on the field. He wore mink coats like an old school pimp and would fit in perfect with the current NFL players, making it rain at clubs, texting his wang…you know the usual stuff. Plus Broadway Joe still gets hammered and hits on sideline reporters like it’s his job. Imagine Joe was your grandpa and you and him would hit up the gentlemen’s club circuit together. Could be a MasterCard commercial…Priceless.
This year it has to be the aforementioned RB LaDainian Tomlinson, who looks rejuvenated like a hungry-hungry hippo. He is running with a purpose twofold:
-He has Shonne Greene creeping behind him like a convict…
-And LT wants to show the Chargers that he is still a valued back after they dumped him like my girl Kim Kardashian did to Reggie Bush…Love you Kim, I just want to motorboat, but not the traditional way in the water..the more loving way.
I do want to note though if the announcers mention one more time that “He is back to the LT of old” or any comment like that I will put the language setting to Spanish. (I won’t hit mute because that is just wrong and only okay for Brittany Spears music videos.)
This is the Flavor edition, and I am not talking about Johnny’s Seasoning flavor…I love me some girls with dark skin and backside. Don’t get me wrong blonde’s can get it in too, but nothing gets me going like an exotic woman to call you Papi.
They can’t have a booty-do though. (Webster’s Definition: Booty-do: “When a females stomach sticks out further than her booty do.”)
Bianca, Ellana, Krista and Meredith from the Jets Cheerleading squad…UM UM GOOD!
Best name and best dude on the team by far is:
-My boy hailing out of Clover Park High School, Tacoma, WA…
-Attending none other than Washington State University…
-Standing at a giant like height of 6 feet 8 inches tall…
-Tipping the scales at 315 pounds…
-And yes he will snatch your pitcher of beer out of your hand and drink it in front of you (I have seen it)…
-DT Ropati Pitoitua.
My dude Pati was killing it in the pre season, but unfortunately like Slim (but at a some what higher level of football) tore his Achilles tendon. We love you Pati, and will see you next year swim moving your way through O-linemen, just like we did on the dance floor at Pike’s basement to drop the stanky leg on.
The Jets look really good with a 5-1 start and their toughest games behind them. With not much of a schedule left this year it will be hard to see them losing many more games. They really only have Green Bay, Pittsburgh, New England, Houston and Miami to worry about. Contrary to popular belief, Miami doesn’t have LeBron on the team and who are we kidding Ronnie Brown will be on injured reserve by then. I say they lose 3 of those 5 ending with a 12-4 season record. Dare I say they end up in Dallas? With the Swagger Rex Ryan has instilled in them and with no more injuries they are the favorite.
Also you know the word “swagger” us young hipsters invented is played out when you hear goofy old sports announcers using it. So, I would like to start a new word and would like all of you to spread it with me…It is “Swerve”. Used in a sentence:
“The Jets have come out today with a new swerve to there game.”
“They are really looking to get their swerve on.”
We will know if this word makes it when it is used in a new Drake song.
SLIM FOLLOWERS: Let’s spread SWERVE like jiffy peanut butter.