Teach Me How To Duckie, Teach Me, Teach Me How To DUCKIE!Written by: Slim
10.) The first reason why the Ducks will stomp out Auburn is the simple fact that they have 1,458,940 uniform combinations with their Nike helmets, jerseys and pants. Oregon looks clean every day of the week and when you look good, you play good. In life everyone knows, it is all about options:
–Options for college…
–Options for clothes…
–Options for food…which is why food courts are so popular even though they scream white trash.
–Options for girls…blonde, brunette or ginger…short or tall…skinny or well fed.
OPTIONS,OPTIONS, OPTIONS, Get the Picture?
Slim’s personal favorite combo:
9.) Oregon scores 49.3 points per game! That is a lot of puntos per game when you are scoring only 20 points less than your basketball team. The Ducks also score in a hurry having the nations fastest average TD drives at 1:49 per drive!
I mean that is fast…Like a high school sophomore in the bedroom fast.
8.) When in doubt, Oregon’s “DADDY” and notable alumni Phil Knight has been rumored to double Auburn’s QB Cam Newton’s salary to throw the game in Oregon’s favor…and when I say double, I mean triple. Hey Phil, maybe put some money into cancer research or fighting the world’s water shortage. The F’ing Oregon Athletic Department is richer than the Sultan of Brunei.
Phil Knight story on CNNSI.com
7.) Oregon has NFL superstar Clay Matthew’s brother Casey starting at LB. This guy is pretty good in his own right with a 1st Team All-Pac Ten effort this year, while leading the team in tackles.
If history has shown us one thing…it is that long hair WINS on all accounts!
–Conan the Barbarian;
–Weird Al Yankovich;
–Shawn “The Heartbreak Kid” Michaels;
–Tom Brady’s new fade; and
–Brad Pitt in “Legends of the Fall”…What a dream!
6.) Three words, one creepy mustache: LaMichael Keondrae James, that of the 1,682 yards rushing, girlfriend throwing, 5 foot 9 inch standing sophomore standout running back. Oh yeah, throw in 21 TDs and the 2010 Doak Walker Award (as the nations best RB) and lets not forget that speed…SPEED TO BURN. (Note to self, if anything burns in your life, head to the doctor immediately…probably that theta who said it was her first time.)
5.) The Ducks have the strongest mascot in the nation…The good ol’ Duck, who had to bang out push-ups after every Oregon score, has done a robust 2,757 push-ups this year averaging 229.8 per game!
2,757! That is a huge number…Although Wilt Chamberlain is laughing all the way from heaven as his self proclaimed “women I have done” number is 10x the duck’s push-ups! Well played Wilt…Well Played.
4.) The Duck offense is lead by All Pac-Ten performer and stud QB Jeremiah Masoli.
OH WAIT! UH OH…Damn Lap Tops!
3.) Oregon has the coolest locker rooms ever, EVER! Let former star Oregon QB Dennis Dixon show you the ropes…and yes they look like the lobby of the “W” hotel Miami Beach!
2.) They made the greatest song ever: “Return of the Quack”…Although I am a Husky at heart and love the University of Washington more than life, this is very cool.
1.) The number one reason why the Oregon Ducks are going to win the National Championship vs. Auburn is…and this is not even a question, THE OREGON DUCK CHEERLEADING SQUAD! You can double, even triple team Auburn DT Nick Fairley but when he gets a look at the cheer squad, he will be floored! QB Cam Newton has his pick of southern belles at Auburn but when he sees the duck cheerleaders, he will immediately want to get an MBA at Oregon. Hey Cam…can you even spell MBA? How about GMAT? Didn’t think so.
Digging deeper into the cheer squad. I have only had two girlfriends to ever meet my parents…ONLY TWO! This could be because I only let the special ones meet my parents, or I have had only two GFs , you be the judge…but former Oregon Duck cheerleader and always dime piece Katelynn Johnson can meet my parents at any time! Katelynn, if you are reading this, I would like to take you on a date to the local Olive Garden, watch Love Actually and then immediately become your boyfriend and never speak to any of my friends again…so know that!