Excuse my Charisma, Vodka with a Spritzer, Swagger Down Pat, Call That Sh*t Patricia…Written by: Slim
Dear Big Ben-
OH Ben, BIG BIG gigantic Ben…where art thou principles, values, moral fibers instilled by the greater good of mankind?
Benjamin Todd Roethlisberger, that of the two Super Bowl Rings, pro-bowling, motorcycle riding, DTF’ing QB of the Pittsburgh Steelers, or simply Big Ben to most of his loving fans, you are in deep sh*t. And I am not talking about the sh*t that helps your grass grow, I’m talking about the sh*t that gets stuck in your white Converse high tops…Not good.
Ben, let me begin by introducing myself. My name is Augustus H. Karma, or just “KARMA” to the masses. Let’s just say that I have a large effect of all deeds that actively shape present and future experiences. More specificity you ask? I am the one who takes past events and effect your present life either positively or negatively, depending on what you have done in your life.
(And yes I know that specificity might not even be a word, but I am F’ing KARMA, I do what I want)
You don’t believe me BEN? Suck on these examples:
I was the one who tore up Tom Brady’s knee in 2008. You actually think Chiefs safety Bernard Pollard is that fast to get to him? Tom was getting a little too big headed with the super model wife, steel jaw and the great looking head of hair for my liking and I had to pay him a little Karma visit.
How do you think a tree suddenly ended up behind Tiger’s SUV? Karma planted that son of a bit*h! Tiger needs to know that when you get married you need to keep your 3-wood in your pants. I mean I can understand the allure of groupies…Slim has a few, let me tell YOU! (Although most of my admirers are dudes from the mid-west who enjoy Tetris and infrequent trips to the shower.) Tiger, meet Karma…Karma meet Tiger.
Kobe in Colorado? Knock, knock…who’s there? Motha F’ing KARMA! Kobe was being very selfish on and off the court and needed a head check, so done and done.
You want more? In 2004, Lindsay Lohan was a budding movie star, aspiring model and pop singer with the world at her beckon call. Then she forgot about her family bond, her adoring fans and everything that made her great…So, Karma (ME) had to drop in and say “hello”. What happened you might ask? Let’s just say “Herbie, Fully Loaded”, two DUI’s, a couple stints in drug rehab and a career in disarray happened.
LI-LO has been KARMA’d and no that is not a bedroom move…trust me, I have tried.
Alright down to business Ben…I have some good and bad news for you. The good news is the simple fact that I haven’t touched your life as of yet and you are about to play in your third Super Bowl in your young and thus far healthy career. The bad news is I am going to be at Dallas Cowboy Stadium February 6, 2011 for the Super Bowl…front row, on the field, in the press box, serving nachos at tunnel 315, basically everywhere, sticking Karma up and around your behind.
Sorry, Ben, I have tried to stay away from you. In 2006, when you breached your contract by riding a motorcycle and crashing it with no helmet after multiple warnings, I stayed away. After the Lake Tahoe incident in 2009 where you allegedly sexually assaulted a young lady in a hotel room, I played dumb. Even after another alleged sexual assault in a Georgia bathroom, I told myself…this isn’t Big Ben and continued to have trust in you.
It is now time to show the face of Augustus H. Karma…and yes I just referred to myself in the third person. My face might be in the shape of BJ Raji’s portly backside landing on your throwing shoulder. My face might be Charles Woodson picking off five of your passes and taking two to the house. My face might be the long blonde locks of Clay Matthews putting his helmet into your sternum. My face might be three groupies the night before the game keeping you up until the wee hours of the night. My face might be a crazed fan running on the field with a blow dart mechanism. WHO KNOWS?! But let me warn you Big Ben, Karma will have its night on Feb, 6th and you better be ready.
All of your bad deeds and discretions have boiled over into one night of TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, the worst Karma Soup of all time. All of the bartenders that had to deal with your sh*t, the girls that had to back down to your high paid lawyers and the normal, good hearted citizens of the United States watching as you throw chance after chance down the drain. Ben…It is time.
Still not convinced? Ask Lou Bega and his one hit wonder song “Mambo No. 5”…ask Mark Hamill and Macaulay Culkin where their careers went after Star Wars and Home Alone. Ask Michelle Wie and Bryant “Big Country” Reeves how their respective golf and NBA careers are going? How is the XFL doing? All had bad Karma and all had to have the rug pulled out from underneath them.
Ben, I am about to throw you in the deep end, I hope you can swim.
Other than that, hope all is well with the engagement and good luck against the Packers…I have a feeling you will need it.
Augustus H. Karma