Old School Chevy, Faster than the Silver Bullet…Strawberry Paint, Seats Vanilla Puddin.
Written by: Slim

There are a few general rules I go by in life, and they’re called the…


-Never, ever, participate in hot yoga…

-Do not eat orange jello on Tuesdays or garlic/onions on Friday…because you

just never know when the next make out session is going to be.

-Only drink saki poured by your friend sitting to the right…trust me, the last person who poured his/her own saki was Mike Tyson in 1992 and it’s been all downhill since then.

-Never hook up with a girl younger than 22…

-Never hook up with a girl older than 22…

-Do not under any circumstances use aluminum foil…

-The only song(s) a man is allowed to sing in the shower is/are “Boats and Ho’s” from Step Brothers and of course Genuine “My Pony”…

-Don’t ask a girl if she is pregnant…except when she is chubby, then tee-up and ask away!

-Only go on dates with chicks named Naomi which of course is I MOAN backwards!

-Always wear a towel in the steam room or locker room…even after the age of 65 when you think you can just parade around like you’re FABIO!  You know that song, “Do your ears hang low…”  Well imagine your ears between your thighs, a lot saggier and imagine 6 guys all named Stanley walking around.  Not a pretty sight!

And of course my 100% always true law…NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER trust a girl with two first names:

-Meg Ryan (You’ve Got Mail was not good, terrible in fact…)

-Katy Perry (You married Russell F’ing Brand for gods sake)

-Calvin Klein (guy/girl, who knows…can’t trust CK (Although I did get my first hickey wearing CK1)

-Shannon Elizabeth (American Pie Dime with less than stellar accent and portly looking man candy)

-Agatha Christie (I haven’t trusted a Brit since the Spice Girls told me to TELL THEM WHAT THEY WANT, WHAT THEY REALLY REALLY WANT.  Which I did…and now I am not allowed within 100 yards of a Chucky Cheese.)

-Jamie Lee Curtis (Three first names, Two private parts…One scary lady)

-Jenny Craig (How do you spell Jenny Craig in the good ol’ US of A one might ask?  O-B-E-S-E…thank you Cheesecake Factory and of course, the Midwest)

-Anne Frank (Always hiding…too soon?)

Recently I have noticed that there has been a huge influx of two first-named STUDS coming into the NBA and NFL.


1st Team:

PG: Chris Paul, New Orleans Hornets
SG: Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers
SF: LeBron James, Miami Heat
PF: Carmelo Anthony, New York Knicks
C: Dwight Howard, Orland Magic
2nd Team

PG: Derek Rose, Chicago Bulls
SG: Ray Allen, Boston Celtics
SF: Brandon Roy, Portland Trailblazers
PF: Blake Griffin, Los Angeles Clippers
C: Tim Duncan, San Antonio Spurs

3rd Team:

PG: Tony Parker, San Antonio Spurs
SG: Monta Ellis, Golden State Warriors
SF: Paul Pierce, Boston Celtics
PF: Zach Randolph, Memphis Grizzlies
C: Joakim Noah, Chicago Bulls

Honorable Mention:

Tony Allen, Memphis Grizzlies
Kevin Martin, Houston Rockets
Vince Carter, Phoenix Suns
David Lee, Golden State Warriors
Tyson Chandler, Dallas Mavericks
DeJuan Blair, San Antonio Spurs
Baron Davis, Cleveland Cavaliers
Steve Blake, Los Angeles Lakers
Jarrett Jack, New Orleans Hornets
Toney Douglas, New York Knicks
Gary Neal, San Antonio Spurs
Courtney Lee, Houston Rockets

Random Great Names in the League:

-Carlos Boozer (The Booz, has not NOT had a run in with the The Artist Formerly Known as Prince.)
-Stephen Curry (delightful Asian sauce, one hell of a jumper.)
-Chris Douglas-Roberts (One “S” away from the infamous triple first name…if you don’t know what that means, you can’ afford it.)
-Rudy Gay (Self explanatory here…a very happy dude of course.)
-Marcin Gortat (The Gortat is a handcuffed bedroom move originated in Serbia Montenegro, KNOW THAT.)
-Royal Ivey (Next time you see Slim, ask him about the girl he met in a Vegas named Ivey…I still wake up in cold sweats dreaming about that story…and yes I asked her if she was poisonous more than once.  Turns out she has heard that one before.)



QB: Matt Ryan, Atlanta Falcons
QB: Tom Brady, New England Patriots
RB: Arian Foster, Houston Texans
RB: Jamaal Charles, Kansas City Chiefs
FB: Marcell Reece, Oakland Raiders
OL: Brandon Keith, Arizona Cardinals
OL : James Lee, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
OL: Chris Patrick, San Francisco 49ers
OL: Andrew Mitchell, Cincinnati Bengals
TE: Dallas Clark, Dallas Cowboys (oh Clark isn’t a real first name?  Say that to Clark W. Griswold SON!)
WR: Brandon Marshall, Miami Dolphins
WR: Brandon Lloyd, San Francisco 49ers
WR: Reggie Wayne, Indianapolis Colts

LB: Ray Lewis, Baltimore Ravens
LB: Patrick Willis, San Francisco 49ers
LB: Bradie James, Dallas Cowboys
LB: James Harrison, Pittsburgh Steelers
S: Ed Reed, Baltimore Ravens
S: Earl Thomas, Seattle Seahawks
CB: Asante Samuel, Philadelphia Eagles
CB: Jonathon Joseph, Cincinnati Bengals
DT: Rookie Marvin Austin, New York Giants
DT: Rocky Bernard, New York Giants
DE: John Abraham, Atlanta Falcons
DE: Jared Allen, Minnesota Vikings


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About the author

Slim had written 35 articles for Slim With The Tilted Brim