I Got a Real Bad Habit When I Wanna Grab It So Many Karats In the Ring I’m Half Man Half Rabbit…Written by: Slim
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil because, Because, BECAUSE…I am born into the curse that IS being a Seattle Mariners Baseball Fan.
Slim is no religious man…I mean, of course I like a nice Hannukah gift here and there or a Passover bowl of matzah ball soup, but I am no means religious. Yes, there have been times when someone of the opposite sex has said to have had a religious experience with me in the back of my old Jeep, but I am no savior.
But, when I think of an afterlife of a terrible, despicable person…say the likes of Adam “Pac Man” Jones, this afterlife consists of them sitting on a couch somewhere in the depths of South Dakota, drinking a Zima, having to watch hours upon hours of Mariner baseball. Sorry Pac (Can I call you Pac?) it is going to be agony…pure and unadulterated agony.
Yeah I know, there was 2001, 116 wins…I get it. But it ended with the big headed, roided-out Roger Clemens throwing fireball after fireball and crushing our hopes in the ALCS. (Editors Note: Yes, we could have used our ol’ friend Mike Piazza going after Clemen’s head with a bat, but what cha’ gonna do…)
Currently the Mariners are a team in turmoil, years away from even sniffing a playoff run with the memory of a 2004 postseason fading quickly. How did the M’s get here? Well, I am glad you asked…it took careful and precise destruction. You know what destruction I am talking about…I am talking about the first time you put a TV on a piece of IKEA furniture destruction. The kind of destruction Keanu Reeve’s Bus had in the movie “SPEED”…where they actually killed 38 times more people then were on the f’ing bus itself…THAT my friends, is DESTRUCTION!
That brings us to yesterday, July 26th 2011…the Mariners are staring at 17 losses in a row with the New York Yankees and CC Sabathia on the hill.
The following is an actual MLB lineup that the Mariners sent up against the big Cy Young winner to try and get a win. Contrary to popular belief, this is PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL TEAM:
1. Ichiro Suzuki, .266
2. Brendan Ryan, .264
3. Dustin Ackley, .288
4. Miguel Olivo, .217
5. Justin Smoak, .226
6. Franklin Gutierrez, .191
7. Mike Carp, .254
8. Greg Halman, .241
9. Chone Figgins, .180
Well, it didn’t go well and the M’s lost their 17th straight, which brings me to my next point. How long does a 17 game losing streak actually last in real time? Well, the following things occured in society since the M’s won their last game.
-We landed on the Moon! (Said in a Lloyd Christmas voice).
-Reebok was cool for a few minutes, then it wasn’t…(If you look down and you’re wearing Reeboks, find the nearest trash can. The last money Reebok shoe were the Kamikazes, REIGN MAN!
-The snuggy movement came and went.
-Two words, one hell of a song…SAVAGE GARDEN.
-The Decision happened, no…not LeBron going to the Heat. The decision to not get delivery, but rather DiGiorno last Friday night. Very tasty…
-The Sonics left Seattle…And Clay Bennett’s daughter now putting herself on the radar for Slim and all his friends…And Clay, we never miss.
-Slim got divorced…TWICE.
The Seattle Mariners have had one of the worst 15 years of trades, free agent acquisitions and draft choices a team could ever had. Continue reading for a recipe for disaster cause this is how it all unfolded:
-July 31, 1997:
The Seattle Mariners trade pitcher Derek Lowe and catcher Jason Varitek to the Boston Red Sox for closer Heathcliff Slocumb…I would never let my daughter go to the Prom with a guy named Heathcliff…That name has Motel 6, some scented candles and a bottle of boones farm written all over it.
-Summer of 2001:
The Seattle Mariners trade Brian Fuentes, Denny Stark, and Jose Paniagua to Colorado for 3B Jeff Cirillo…JC (and not the water walking JC) posting batting averages of only .249 and .205 in the two years he was with the team. Mariners traded for Cirillo over All-Star Scott Rolen who batted .280 with around 30 HRs and 100 RBI’s both years.
-Summer of 2004:
The Seattle Mariners trade SS Carlos Guillen to Detroit for Ramon Santiago and Juan Gonzalez… (And this was not the filthy stache wearing Juan-Gone from Texas) in 2004.
-Summer of 2006:
The Seattle Mariners trade OF Shin-Soo Choo and Shawn Nottingham to Cleveland for Ben Broussard…In 2009 and 2010 the mighty S.S. Choo batted .300 with 20 and 22 HRs, 86 and 90 RBIs and 21 and 22 SBs. Ben Broussard sucks on the field, but did make out with one of my college girlfriends…true story.
-Summer of 2006:
The Seattle Mariners trade pitcher Jamie Moyer to Philadelphia for Andrew Barb and Andy Baldwin…Jamie Moyer, at the fruitful age of 74, still gets wins throwing slower than a game of nervous in the 6th grade.
-Rafael Soriano to Atlanta for Horacio Ramirez
Adam Jones, George Sherrill, Chris Tillman, Kam Mickolio, and Tony Butler to Baltimore for Erik Bedard. Adam Jones is a budding star, George Sherrill has a tight flat billed lid and Erik Bedard is softer than a Theta after a week long Pizza and ranch diet.
Slim’s personal Favorite:
-Fall of 2006
David Arias (now known as David Ortiz) to Minnesota for Dave Hollins.
FREE AGENTS (For the sake of every Mariner fan’s sanity, I started in 2005):
-Signing Richie Sexson 4 years $50,000,000 in 2005.
-Signing Miguel Batista to a 3 year $25,000,000 contract in 2006
-Signing Jeff Weaver to a 1 year $8,325,000 contract in 2006(At least we weren’t the SF Giants who signed Barry Zito 7 years for 126,000,000)
-Signing Carlos Silva to a 4 year $48,000,000 contract in 2007
-Signing Chone Figgins to a 4 year $36,000,000 contract in 2009
-2001 MLB Draft:
Michael Garciaparra (Yep, Nomar’s much less talented brother) two picks ahead of a guy by the name of David Wright, that of the 5x All-star, 2x gold glove winner.
-2005 MLB Draft:
Jeff Clement, cant miss catcher from USC.
Players drafted after him:Ryan Zimmerman, Nationals All-Star, Ryan Braun, Brewers All-Star, Troy Tulowitzki, Rockies All-Star SS, Pirates All-Star Andrew McCutchen, and Reds All-Star Jay Bruce…Solid.
-2006 MLB Draft:
Brandon Morrow RHP monster from Cal.
Players drafted after him:Tim Lincecum (seattle born and raised, went to UW) and Clayton Kershaw, stud pitcher for the Dodgers, SWEET!
-2007 MLB Draft:
Phillip Aumont, RHP from Canada (Secondary School)11th pick
14th pick was Jason Heyward
Traded him to Phillies for Cliff Lee in 2009 after he was showing solid promise in the minor leagues.
And finally, the act of sweeping the A’s in the final series of 09′ to lose the first pick and miss out on Stephen Strasburgh. Yeah, he is injured now, but trust me…he is the next Curt Schilling.
THAT’S ALL I GOT…And yes, I feel as depressed as the next Seattleite. So I can only think of one thing that will cheer me up. And that is of course…Michael Jackson “Black or White”.
Is that a Macaulay Culkin sighting?